What happens after you've given up?

Seriously.  What happens after you've given up?  I need to find an article or something.  But this is where I am.  I've given up.  I've tossed in the towel on pretty much everything around me.  I hate who it makes me.  I hate what I look like, how I feel.  But I don't seem to know what to do now.

I joined a group on SparkPeople.com for depression.  The thing is, it seems like a joke to me.  I'm not sure how people really find hope or comfort in those things, but they must.  I don't.  I'm not "just" depressed.  Its not some chemical impalance or something.  I'm insanely sad, and for good reason.  Most days I'm just numb.  Numb is better than gut wrenching tears, or not.  I haven't decided yet.  For those of you who missed it, I had a stillborn son in January.  It was unexpected, as I guess most of the time it is.  Anyhow, I know that the crap that I'm neck deep in is all normal.  If I went to a shrink they'd give me meds (which I'm not keen on) and tell me that its all part of grief and its normal.  That I just have to weather the storm.  So that's what I do.  Everyday I tread water, metaphorically of course since treading water would make me loose weight and since that's not happening...  But everyday I just survive.  And I'm tired.  I'm tired of having to work at it.  IT being everything.  I just don't have the energy, the will, whatever.  Anyhow, this group...its been no help.  They say things like, step 1) get up.  2) Brush your teeth and comb your hair 3) get dressed....uh hello?  I know that its like that for a lot of people.  And frankly if it wasn't for my daughter...I'd still be caught at step one.  What I wouldn't give to just sleep through this mess.  But seriously, reading on the internet that all you have to do is get up and "tah-dah" life will be better, its a farse.  No duh.  I know I need to get up, get presentable (pony-tail style, right Jules??), eat, stay alive.  Its the things that I don't "have" to do.  Like eat decent food, exercise, clean the house, maybe even shower... :)  I wish it was that easy.  Just do it.  Just say it, and it will be so.  But it's not.  I've tried to fake it.  I've "just done it" and nothing stuck.  I do the bare minimum.  Some days I get a spark, and on those days maybe I work out, or maybe I grocery shop, or clean.  But those days are few and far between.  It feels like it takes all the energy I have just to survive the day.  To be a good mommy to my daughter, to be an acceptable (or at least not repulsive) wife to my dh.  I don't have strength to be anything else, for anyone else.  Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it, a tiny spot in my heart still desires for those things...on occasion, when that spot isn't being over run with the other crap.

Sorry.  I know this isn't really the "place" for that tangent, but I know that lots of people read this blog, and lots of people struggle with various forms of depression or other issues that make loosing weight seem impossible, and sometimes it is.  The point is that other people have these struggles too.  Not everyone wakes up one day and decides that "today is the day" and boom, everything falls into place and the weight just goes melting away.  Weight loss is a hard battle faught by millions of people, a lot of whom are depressed or are emotional eaters.  A lot of whom struggle with getting out of bed, much less on the elliptical.  I guess the good thing is that even if I've given up, it's temporary.  I'm still blogging.  I lay my heart out bare and display my humiliation of 9 months of failed weight loss attempts for everyone to judge, and have opinions about.  And maybe someday I'll be able to look back and marvel at how far I came.  Maybe someone will read these posts and see how low I was, and then read how I succeeded and maybe they'll be inspired.  Maybe that's what keeps me trudging on, even after I've given up.

So Fatty Cakes, what keeps you going when you've given up?  What's the huge motivator that pushes you to keep trying even after years of failure and embarressment?  Why are you here?